Breaking: Whole of Mississippi’s convicted murderer population to be released, awarded teller positions at local banks. 

JACKSON—In a surprising move, Mississippi lawmakers have decided to pardon every killer ever convicted in the state’s courts. They’re to be released immediately, a source familiar with the matter says, and taken straight to ‘Sears’ to be outfitted with clothing that the state’s attorney says “doesn’t make them look like anything special.”

A Mississippi judge has instead commuted each of their sentences to a career of bank telling. “We wanted to hide them in plain sight,” the judge told us, “and there’s no one we pay less attention to than the guy trying to convince you to set up a savings account.” As penance for the often brutal murders committed by the killers being released, the families of the victims will each receive a complimentary teeth whitening. A representative from Sears says the company is ecstatic to be getting any business at all.

Original news story: 

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2104269,00.html?iid=cc-main-mostpop2?iid=cc-main-mostpop2