January 17, 2012
US to world leaders: ‘We want your snakes. All of them.’ WASHINGTON DC—In a statement given earlier today, a spokesman for the Department of International Affairs opened the proverbial crawl space by urging foreign leaders to corral and send their snake populations to America. “We’re desperate, really,” he added after the address. “Our field guides to North American snakes have zero substance, and our publicly funded science channels can’t stomach the production of another documentary on the copperhead.” Thanks to taxpayer dollars, foreign leaders will be incentivized to gather up any and all snakes currently living within the recognized borders of their respective countries. Once caught, the snakes will be shipped to the states, where they’ll be released into public spaces around the country that roughly match those of their natural habitats. “There are very few negatives,” a representative from the Department of Health and Human Services wrote in a Facebook Chat with Opposite of News. “I mean, what a treat for elementary school science classes.” Following an immediate nationwide protest of the program, the Department of Health adjusted their attitude slightly, adding that “children should probably not go outside anymore.” Original news story: http://www.cnn.com/2012/01/17/us/florida-python-ban/index.html?hpt=hp_t3

US to world leaders: ‘We want your snakes. All of them.’

WASHINGTON DC—In a statement given earlier today, a spokesman for the Department of International Affairs opened the proverbial crawl space by urging foreign leaders to corral and send their snake populations to America. “We’re desperate, really,” he added after the address. “Our field guides to North American snakes have zero substance, and our publicly funded science channels can’t stomach the production of another documentary on the copperhead.” Thanks to taxpayer dollars, foreign leaders will be incentivized to gather up any and all snakes currently living within the recognized borders of their respective countries.

Once caught, the snakes will be shipped to the states, where they’ll be released into public spaces around the country that roughly match those of their natural habitats. “There are very few negatives,” a representative from the Department of Health and Human Services wrote in a Facebook Chat with Opposite of News. “I mean, what a treat for elementary school science classes.” Following an immediate nationwide protest of the program, the Department of Health adjusted their attitude slightly, adding that “children should probably not go outside anymore.”

Original news story:

http://www.cnn.com/2012/01/17/us/florida-python-ban/index.html?hpt=hp_t3

3:09pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z69FBwEwndKZ
(Notes: 30)
  
  1. worldserpent reblogged this from oppositeofnews
  2. taylormomsensvibrator reblogged this from oppositeofnews
  3. ttsundere reblogged this from oppositeofnews
  4. oppositeofnews posted this