January 18, 2012
Breaking: Four Syracuse coach accusers actually don’t even exist.  SYRACUSE—Adding another layer of complexity to an already confusing scandal, investigators working on the well-publicized Bernie Fine case discovered today that the coach’s four public accusers do not exist. “All of the interviews, video recordings, and transcripts of them that we thought we had… we just… don’t,” a spokesman for Syracuse University said in a public address. Chalking it up to ‘questionable police work,’ investigators working the case have switched the focus of their work to figuring out how they could have possibly made up four entire humans. Since the new investigation began, authorities have already discovered that two of the “accusers” can be linked directly to SmarterChild, a turn of the millenium-era AOL instant messenger chat bot that hasn’t been active since 2002. Because SmarterChild can’t be booked formally on any charges due to its nonexistence, the case’s lead investigator decided it would be in everyone’s best interest to put it all to rest. Requests for comment sent to ActiveBuddy, SmarterChild’s parent, were not entertained, though we certainly didn’t expect a response with a trace of humanity behind it, anyway.  Original news story: http://www.cnn.com/2012/01/16/us/syracuse-coach-allegations/?hpt=ju_c2

Breaking: Four Syracuse coach accusers actually don’t even exist. 

SYRACUSE—Adding another layer of complexity to an already confusing scandal, investigators working on the well-publicized Bernie Fine case discovered today that the coach’s four public accusers do not exist. “All of the interviews, video recordings, and transcripts of them that we thought we had… we just… don’t,” a spokesman for Syracuse University said in a public address. Chalking it up to ‘questionable police work,’ investigators working the case have switched the focus of their work to figuring out how they could have possibly made up four entire humans.

Since the new investigation began, authorities have already discovered that two of the “accusers” can be linked directly to SmarterChild, a turn of the millenium-era AOL instant messenger chat bot that hasn’t been active since 2002. Because SmarterChild can’t be booked formally on any charges due to its nonexistence, the case’s lead investigator decided it would be in everyone’s best interest to put it all to rest. Requests for comment sent to ActiveBuddy, SmarterChild’s parent, were not entertained, though we certainly didn’t expect a response with a trace of humanity behind it, anyway. 

Original news story:

http://www.cnn.com/2012/01/16/us/syracuse-coach-allegations/?hpt=ju_c2

11:04pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z69FBwE_b7w2
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