February 1, 2012
NFL commissioner: ’Bottlenose dolphins will replace all human players by 2017.’ MANHATTAN—Following the discovery of a pair of bottlenose dolphins with a perfect track record in super bowl victory predictions, NFL commissioner Roger Godell announced today that all games will eventually be played by the aquatic mammals. “They dolphin has worked tirelessly to prove it knows more about this game than humans do,” he explained in a public address to the media. “Who are we to deny them their right to play?” The commissioner laid out a plan that would gradually replace existing NFL players with specially trained schools of Tursiops truncatus, also known as the ‘common bottle nose dolphin.’  He expects human beings to be completely phased out by 2017, when a permanent broadcast deal with Animal Planet takes effect. “The problems we’ve been facing over the past several years - contract lockouts, widespread drug use, violence on the field - they all go away,” a source familiar with the matter added on Wednesday morning. Games will continue to be played in the same stadiums they are today, because humans cannot breathe under water. For the dolphins, unfortunately, it means learning to play on dry grass and turf. “We think they’ll be fine. They’re very smart animals,” the commissioner noted. A spokesman for the Miami Dolphins revealed that the team does not plan on changing its name. “We’ll finally be relevant,” he jeered. Source: Opposite Of News. Original news story:  http://www.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_c2#/video/sports/2012/01/31/mxp-dolphin-super-bowl-picks.hln

NFL commissioner: ’Bottlenose dolphins will replace all human players by 2017.’

MANHATTAN—Following the discovery of a pair of bottlenose dolphins with a perfect track record in super bowl victory predictions, NFL commissioner Roger Godell announced today that all games will eventually be played by the aquatic mammals. “They dolphin has worked tirelessly to prove it knows more about this game than humans do,” he explained in a public address to the media. “Who are we to deny them their right to play?” The commissioner laid out a plan that would gradually replace existing NFL players with specially trained schools of Tursiops truncatus, also known as the ‘common bottle nose dolphin.’ 

He expects human beings to be completely phased out by 2017, when a permanent broadcast deal with Animal Planet takes effect. “The problems we’ve been facing over the past several years - contract lockouts, widespread drug use, violence on the field - they all go away,” a source familiar with the matter added on Wednesday morning. Games will continue to be played in the same stadiums they are today, because humans cannot breathe under water. For the dolphins, unfortunately, it means learning to play on dry grass and turf. “We think they’ll be fine. They’re very smart animals,” the commissioner noted. A spokesman for the Miami Dolphins revealed that the team does not plan on changing its name. “We’ll finally be relevant,” he jeered.

Source: Opposite Of News.

Original news story: 

http://www.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_c2#/video/sports/2012/01/31/mxp-dolphin-super-bowl-picks.hln


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